The House of Eternal Echoes claims to be one of the oldest, most haunted mansions in the region. Which, in practical terms, means it’s a crumbling Victorian disaster filled with bad lighting, suspicious drafts, and a marketing team that believes any creaking floorboard is irrefutable proof of spectral activity.
For a modest entrance fee — and an immodest upsell for the “Extended Paranormal Access Experience” — I was handed a laminated map, a waiver absolving them of responsibility for any “supernatural trauma,” and a glow-in-the-dark wristband, presumably in case I needed to be identified later.
Our guide introduced himself as Randall, a man with the weary expression of someone who has spent too many years explaining creaky plumbing to true believers. Randall wasted no time in spinning the first tale: the House was haunted by the spirit of a tragic widow, forever wandering the halls in search of her lost love.
Two rooms later, our next guide (Samantha, a high school theater major in full mourning garb) insisted the house was actually haunted by the restless spirit of a murdered child.
Five minutes after that, a third guide informed us that the true source of the disturbances was a vengeful Civil War soldier trapped in the attic.
By the end of the tour, I had heard no fewer than eight distinct origin stories for the same rattling window shutter.
At one point, a participant asked how so many different ghosts could all be inhabiting the same house. Samantha smiled brightly and said, “Spiritual energy is layered. It’s very complex.”
Translation: “Please stop asking questions that make the story fall apart.”
The house itself leaned heavily on atmosphere to sell the experience: narrow hallways, squeaky floors, dusty furniture artfully draped with spiderwebs that somehow looked suspiciously fresh.
The grand finale was a self-guided “spirit encounter” in the basement, featuring a malfunctioning fog machine, two strobe lights, and a battered tape recorder playing low moaning sounds on a loop.
I passed the time by mentally playing Ghost Story Bingo. I won three times before we reached the cellar door.
No surprise: the House of Eternal Echoes isn’t haunted by spirits.
It’s haunted by bad continuity, overzealous tour guides, and the desperate hope that no one will ask why a supposed Civil War ghost is responsible for throwing IKEA flatware across the kitchen.