The self-help industry, having long since exhausted every scrap of credible advice, has now pivoted to its most laughable strategy yet: telling you that you can think your way into a mansion. Yes, according to the high priests and priestesses of “manifestation,” you are but a few positive affirmations away from casually acquiring beachfront property, … Read more
People used to look at the sky and chart the seasons. Now they look at the sky and blame Mercury for their bad haircut. Somewhere along the way, humanity decided it was far too exhausting to understand even the most basic facts about the universe, so we invented a shortcut: Sun Sign Astrology. Why bother … Read more
Automatic writing is the noble tradition of zoning out, letting your hand twitch around on a piece of paper, and then insisting that the resulting illegible mess is a profound message from the spirit world. The idea is simple. Too simple. You grab a pen, empty your mind — which for some practitioners is less … Read more
You haven’t truly experienced spiritual capitalism until you’ve wandered through a psychic fair set up in the abandoned lot behind a defunct strip mall. The Crescent Moon Psychic Fair proudly offered “guidance, enlightenment, and authentic metaphysical experiences,” all conveniently located between an empty Payless ShoeSource and what used to be a Curves gym. Upon arrival, … Read more
Past-life hypnosis sells itself as therapy — if therapy required less accountability, more incense, and a relaxing nap. The premise is simple: under hypnosis, you “recover” memories of your previous lives. These memories, conveniently, explain all your modern misfortunes — your fear of water (you drowned as a sailor), your commitment issues (you were a … Read more
There’s nothing quite like a grown adult claiming their stuffed toy is possessed by the malevolent spirit of a Victorian chimney sweep. It’s the kind of story that makes you question not just individual judgment, but the collective failure of entire educational systems. “Haunted” dolls have become an industry now — proudly displayed in grimy … Read more
If childhood was full of invisible companions helping you navigate playground politics, adulthood offers spirit guides — invisible companions who apparently help you navigate life, taxes, bad Tinder dates, and questionable decisions made after two glasses of box wine. Spirit guides are described as angels, ancestors, totem animals, or “light beings,” standing ready to offer … Read more
Just when you thought humanity’s desperation for meaning had scraped the bottom of the barrel, someone lifted the barrel and found an even slimier layer underneath: pet psychics. These are self-proclaimed “animal communicators” who, for a modest fee — usually something insultingly close to your grocery budget — will “channel” your pet’s thoughts, emotions, and … Read more
There is, in this endlessly gullible world of ours, no shortage of ways to make yourself look like a prize fool, but none—none—compares to the unique spectacle of a grown adult stumbling around a field, clutching two bent pieces of wire like they’re about to divine the very secrets of the universe. Dowsing, for the … Read more
There’s something uniquely depressing about a forest that’s been weaponized for spiritual tourism. At The Wailing Woods Retreat Center, nestled in the least scenic corner of the state park system, you’re invited to “reconnect with the wisdom of nature” and “attune to the whispering spirits of the ancient woods.” What you’re actually reconnecting with is … Read more