Of all the absurd stories humanity clings to, few are more impressively self-indulgent than alien abductions. Apparently, creatures capable of interstellar travel — who have cracked faster-than-light propulsion, quantum physics, and advanced medicine — are also deeply interested in kidnapping random Americans, probing them awkwardly, wiping their memories with the finesse of a bad stage hypnotist, and then dropping them half-naked in cornfields.
Right. That checks out.
Alien abduction narratives follow a stunningly predictable script.
The victim wakes up paralyzed. They sense a presence. There’s bright light. Strange beings appear. Medical exams happen. Time gets lost. Memories are foggy. Trauma is described in vivid detail later — often under hypnosis, a method scientifically validated mainly for planting false memories, not retrieving them.
Here’s the far less exciting but infinitely more plausible explanation: sleep paralysis. It’s a well-documented neurological phenomenon. When your body locks itself down during REM sleep but your mind wakes up, it feels exactly like being paralyzed. Hallucinations are common. Fear is natural. Panic fills in the blanks. Congratulations — you just had a textbook sleep paralysis event, not a personal visit from Greys With Bad Bedside Manner.
Of course, believers insist otherwise. They point to “missing time,” vague scars, and dreamlike memories as proof. They’ll say things like, “How could I imagine something so vivid?” as if the human brain isn’t the same machine capable of conjuring entire fantasy worlds on command every night without consulting extraterrestrials.
The alien abduction industry thrives because it flatters the abductee. It says you’re special. You’re important enough to be tagged, monitored, and occasionally lectured telepathically about humanity’s moral failings. Never mind that for hyper-advanced beings, their methods seem suspiciously like the clumsy experiments of a discount veterinarian.
If you think alien civilizations crossed the galaxy just to fiddle with your intestines and ghost you afterward, the only thing truly out of this world is your sense of self-importance.