Palmistry — or chiromancy, if you’re feeling pretentious — is the ancient art of pretending that the tiny, random creases on your palm contain the secrets of your personality, your future, and possibly your past lives, if the reader is feeling ambitious and the client looks like a good tipper.
According to palmists, the major lines on your hand — the life line, the heart line, the head line — reveal everything from your lifespan to your emotional scars to whether or not you’ll eventually fall victim to a multi-level marketing scheme.
A forked line? You faced a difficult decision.
A short line? Your attention span rivals that of a caffeinated squirrel.
A long, deep line? You’re strong-willed, determined, and destined for greatness, unless you’re not, in which case the reader will quickly pivot to “deep emotional resilience.”
I once subjected myself to a palmistry session during a metaphysical fair wedged between a hot yoga class and a booth selling “quantum crystal healing hats.” The reader, a woman named Starla Moonblossom (presumably not her given Christian name), spent fifteen minutes explaining how my broken heart line indicated early childhood betrayal, my shallow life line meant I should take more vitamin supplements, and my fate line suggested a late-in-life career change — preferably into something more spiritually rewarding.
Funny how all roads seem to lead toward spending more money on workshops she just happened to be offering that afternoon.
Palmistry thrives on the Barnum effect — the psychological phenomenon where people believe vague, general statements are uniquely tailored to them.
You hear “you’ve experienced struggle but shown resilience” and immediately think yes, that’s me, conveniently ignoring the fact that it’s literally everyone.
And heaven help you if you ask for specifics. Dates? Events? Actual predictions?
No, no, dear seeker — it’s all “energetic possibilities” and “vibrational alignments” and “potentials.” The future isn’t written in stone, you see.
It’s written in smudged ink on a paper towel soaked in essential oils and hope.