Deep in the Chihuahua desert, miles from anything resembling civilization, lies Cielo Verde, Mexico — a place where the sand shimmers, the sun never quits, and gullibility is baked into the landscape like so much brittle cactus.
Cielo Verde claims to be the site of a massive extraterrestrial landing thousands of years ago, an “energy imprint” still pulsing through the ground for those wise enough (and wealthy enough) to feel it.
Today, it’s home to the Star Temple Retreat, where for a mere $499 (not including lodging, meals, or dignity), you too can realign your “galactic DNA” and reconnect with your “cosmic origin story.”
Naturally, I signed up.
The retreat center was a scattering of geodesic tents and silver RVs arranged in a rough circle around a stone altar that looked suspiciously like a glorified grill pit. Our facilitators — men and women dressed in flowing silver robes and plastic amulets — welcomed us with open arms and printed waivers.
Participation was optional. Payment was not.
The daily schedule included “Sun Resonance Meditations” (lying in the sand while someone banged a tuning fork near your ears), “Universal Energy Activation Sessions” (mostly standing in a circle chanting vowel sounds until your throat dried out), and my personal favorite, “Cosmic Cleanse Yoga,” featuring moves like the “Astral Pigeon” and the “Fifth-Dimensional Downward Dog.”
The highlight of the retreat was supposed to be the midnight “Landing Zone Alignment Ceremony,” where we would synchronize our vibrations with the site’s residual alien energy fields under the light of the stars. What actually happened was that twenty-seven people stood around a stone ring humming tunelessly while the local mosquito population threw a feast.
By the third day, I had a sunburn that qualified as a second-degree religious experience and a powerful urge to launch myself into actual space just to escape.
If Cielo Verde really is a sacred extraterrestrial site, the aliens have long since abandoned it — probably after seeing the souvenir stands selling glow-in-the-dark dreamcatchers and “Galactic DNA Activation Kits” for $79.99 apiece.
If you go, bring water. And skepticism. Lots of skepticism.