Somewhere in the misty foothills of questionably named Mystic Valley, you’ll find the Crystal Caverns Healing Grotto — a site proudly advertised as “a rare confluence of natural energies, sacred vibrations, and ancient cosmic alignments.”
What it actually offers is a damp cave, a thinly veiled gift shop, and an excellent opportunity to question your life choices.
Visitors are welcomed by a woman named Willow (real name Barbara, judging by the monogrammed mug at the ticket booth) who explains that the caverns are “alive” with energy, pulsing through the crystalline structures formed “millions of years ago during the Great Cosmic Birthing.”
There was no mention of what geological process “cosmic birthing” involves, but based on the displays, I assume it’s condensation, erosion, and a deep disregard for scientific literacy.
The tour started with a solemn “energy clearing ceremony” where we were encouraged to wave smudge sticks while chanting affirmations about opening our root chakras. The ceremony took place in a parking lot between two minivans and a dumpster labeled “Compost Only.”
Very sacred.
Inside the caverns, the lighting was dim, the air was thick, and every surface dripped moisture with the weary perseverance of a place that’s seen too many overpriced sandals.
Visitors were encouraged to touch the walls — “to ground yourself in Earth’s wisdom” — but after one swipe left me with a suspiciously slimy palm, I elected to remain spiritually ungrounded.
Highlights of the tour included the “Chamber of Infinite Resonance,” a poorly lit alcove where a malfunctioning speaker played recorded whale sounds on a loop, and the “Crystal Throne Room,” which contained a broken folding chair spray-painted silver and crowned with a few quartz points hot-glued to a wooden plank.
I resisted the urge to sit. Barely.
At the end of the tour, everyone was herded into the Healing Cavern, where you could pay an additional $45 to lie on a yoga mat and “absorb cosmic energy” from the stalagmites.
I absorbed something, all right. Mostly mildew and existential regret.
I came away knowing this, too: The Crystal Caverns Healing Grotto is proof that if you stick enough quartz in a damp hole and hand out enough New Age buzzwords, people will pay good money to lie on a wet floor and call it spiritual growth.