Sedona, Arizona is famous for three things: red rocks, overpriced smoothies, and people who think standing between two juniper trees will unlock the secrets of the universe.
I was lured here by the promise of “powerful energy vortexes,” sites where the Earth’s energy supposedly swirls upward, charging your chakras, refreshing your soul, and—according to one particularly excitable pamphlet—possibly rearranging your DNA. Frankly, for $249.99 a session, it had better.
Upon arrival, I was greeted by a landscape so gorgeous it almost distracted me from the nonsense wafting on the breeze along with the ever-present smell of patchouli. Towering buttes, sheer cliffs, endless skies—and at every trailhead, someone selling aura readings, crystal energy baths, or handmade “quantum resonators” (read: rocks glued to other rocks).
The “vortex tours” are something to behold. You hike to a scenic overlook, listen to a guide named Starfeather explain how invisible currents are flowing around your feet, and are encouraged to hum, twirl, and open your “heart mind” to the unseen forces. Meanwhile, I opened my actual eyes and noted that the only unseen force in evidence was basic cartography, because half of us got lost trying to follow a trail marked only by sun-bleached intention.
At the summit of one alleged vortex site, Starfeather asked us to place our hands on a rock and “feel the pulse of Gaia.” I felt hot stone, a sunburn forming, and the creeping suspicion that someone was about to offer me a discount on reiki lessons. Sure enough, as we sat cross-legged among the scrub, Starfeather produced a bag of polished crystals for sale. “Charged by the vortex,” she assured us. I resisted the urge to ask whether the Visa card reader was also spiritually attuned.
Later, in town, I visited three separate shops that claimed to sell hand-harvested vortex energy in bottle form. Prices ranged from $12.99 to $79.99 depending on whether you wanted “basic cleansing” or “full cosmic realignment.” Spoiler: all bottles were filled with tap water and desperation.
Final thought? Sedona’s rocks are real. Its beauty is real. The vortexes, however, are not. They are imaginary whirlpools of wishful thinking, scientifically indistinguishable from standing in the sun until you get dizzy and call it enlightenment. If you want to elevate your spirit, skip the vortex and go for a hike. You’ll achieve the same mental clarity, but without having to buy a rock necklace blessed by Kevin the Moon Priest.