Your Dog Is not that Deep
Just when you thought humanity’s desperation for meaning had scraped the bottom of the barrel, someone lifted the barrel and found an even slimier layer underneath: pet psychics.
These are self-proclaimed “animal communicators” who, for a modest fee — usually something insultingly close to your grocery budget — will “channel” your pet’s thoughts, emotions, and alleged past lives. Because when your dog is chewing the couch, it’s not that he’s bored or untrained. No, according to Pet Psychics International (yes, that’s real), he’s “expressing unresolved karmic anxiety from a prior incarnation as a medieval war horse.” Obviously.
The pet psychic grift thrives on two things: human guilt and human stupidity. Guilt, because every pet owner feels like they’re somehow failing their animal by not understanding their every bark, meow, or blank, accusatory stare. And stupidity, because rather than hire a decent trainer or — heaven forbid — read a book on animal behavior, people would rather pay fifty bucks to have someone in a kaftan explain that their hamster’s depression stems from a “spiritual blockage in his root chakra.”
You can always spot a pet psychic by their profound ability to say absolutely nothing while sounding profound.
“She’s telling me she loves you, but sometimes she feels unheard.” Wow. Groundbreaking. That only applies to, oh, every living thing ever.
“He’s picking up on your anxiety.” Of course he is, Carol. Dogs are social pack animals wired to read human body language. That’s not telepathy. That’s biology.
“She’s asking for more freedom and trust.” Translated: you locked the cat in a room all day and it hates you.
The reality is painfully simple. Animals communicate all the time — with body language, vocalization, and behavior. You don’t need a “certified intuitive” to tell you your dog wants a treat or that your cat thinks you’re an idiot. Both of those are obvious and free to anyone with two functional brain cells and eyes.
If you’re paying a stranger to “listen” to your dog’s aura instead of paying attention to your dog yourself, don’t be surprised if the only real message being sent is “Please stop embarrassing us both.”